Christmas... such a fail on such an epic scale. I had to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and let me tell you... people are jackasses. It really burnt me out on the whole holiday season and definitely burnt me out on the whole work thing. I'm so tired.

New Year's Revolution

As you may or may not have noticed in the title, this post is about my new year's revolution, interject the v for s and you have a clever quip on the old New Year's resolution. I decided that describing my attempts at change as a battle to overthrow the established government was a mite more appropriate then depicting them as a proclamation of intent. I find it redundant to proclaim your intentions or to promulgate your resolve when actions speak louder than words. Anyways, one of my revolutions is to write a post everyday for the next year. I'm starting a little earlier than scheduled for one simple reason... I felt like it. Not too mention I don't always feel like writing, it's a very introspective art and in my current state of being introspection is not the easiest on my psyche, or ego. But I had the urge tonight and so here I am. I imagine by now that you are one of two people to read these words (yes I am included in the total) and you may be asking yourself several questions. Why does this dude only blog once a year? All his posts are about being lost or finding himself... doesn't he have GPS? And maybe you even question my sexuality, why I don't know but there are a lot of kinky freaks out there. (Yes I'm talking about you, wink wink) But one thing you should be aware of before you read on... I am lost. So if by now your already tired of reading just stop. I don't need your judgmental comments or your disapproving looks! (I'm guessing that's what your look is) cause if I did I wouldn't be writing a blog no one reads... I get my own reality tv show like those Jersey Shore people or the Kardashians. So take your nasty comments and leave my blog alone.



If you are sticking around and still reading good for me.



I had a conversation with a friend the other day that I think you'll find interesting, (SPOILER ALERT: it ties the whole post together) we got on the subject of life and the human condition as we are wont to do and the subject of expression came up. I mentioned that I love writing, blah blah freest form of expression blah blah, and he made a very excellent point. He told me that writing in itself is actually limiting and imprisoning human emotion. It's not a form of expression at all, it's a verbal prison. Think about it... the way you feel about something is infinite, there is no boundaries on emotion. When you are happy, you feel it in your entire being, it permeates into everything you say or do. It is an immensity. Yet saying that you feel "happy" caps it, encompasses all your emotion and puts it into a written bubble. I thought on it for a second, and then I said to him "Then that makes writing equivalent to parole, because without a platform for communicating our feelings our own bodies would be the prison, the mind being cell block d." And so that's why I am overthrowing the reigning mindset that is Kendall and instead establishing a freer albeit only slightly, more expressive Kendall in its stead. And that my loyal reader (if you indeed made it this far) is a conclusion, and the conclusion to my first seditious post of the almost new year. VIVA LA EXPRESION!

I'm gonna have to check my schedule...

I find that a lot of my time is spent in “La La Land” nowadays. Don’t get me wrong… the housing market is incredible and the climate is to die for, but sometimes I would like to vacation in reality every so often. While not as fun by any stretch of the imagination I get the feeling it might be more productive.

I mean… I have so much to do! Choose a career, get an education, graduate, get financially stable, get insurance for everything from my life to my car, get a house, actually buy a car, pay my bills, and on and on and on. Wow… “La La Land” sounds a bit more enticing now doesn’t it?

I think the question I ask myself most often when taking a break from daydreaming is, “when the hell did I become an adult”? I never asked to grow older and take on more responsibility yet here it is… staring me in the face. Adulthood. Something’s gotta give, or either I’m gonna go totally bonkers and take up permanent residence in “La La Land” or all that I am and all the child in me is gonna be forced into hard career-oriented labor. What’s the secret? How do you adults do it? Is there a phrase or diet or a certain shampoo that you use?

Ahh… I’m drifting off again. Well I’ll let you know how everything is when I get back, It was good writing at you. See you cats on the flip flop later.

So... its been like what.... a year?

So its almost been a year since I last blogged and since I haven't blogged in such a long time I decided to post an old essay I wrote for one of my English classes that i recently found. Which is kinda like cheating but not really. So here it goes...

Music has affected me more than any other form artistic expression, and more than any other form of expression. It's been a friend, an outlet, an escape, a peacekeeper, a distraction, an aggressor, a catalyst, an anti-depressant, an answer, a riddle. Music has changed me and still does, with every song that I relate to, every riff that my heart recognizes as a beat from a similar heart, every lyric I feel as if I wrote it myself or someone dug the words out of my soul.

The first time I really took up an interest in music was when I was still in the stage of trying to be just like my older brother. He was into rap and having a bumpin' system, which I learned later on was not my kind of music. But he seemed to love it so much, for its beats and bass, that I had to see what made it so exciting. I listened to all types of music and found my favorites and the ones that I didn't connect with, and through it all I finally found my genre, rock.

It's message was always the same... party hard, stick it to the man, don't take shit from anyone. And it gave its message with force unlike any other, with hard hitting riffs, hard hitting lyrics, smoking solos, and intense vocals, with the rock star image, thrashed hotels and sold out shows. And who could resist a picture so full of raw energy? How it appeals to our baser nature, the side of our personalities that wish we could get away with whatever we wanted, get whatever we want, and do whatever we want and having no one to tell us different. It frees us for a moment and allows us to live wild without inhibition.

I was first introduced when a friend of mine started letting me listened to some of his music. A big rock fan himself he opened the door for me and inside was a whole new perception on life. It totally and completely changed how I looked at the world and I heard it's message with exceptional clarity. I started resisting authority, and started living for the thrill of life on the edge, I started smoking marijuana, I stayed out late, I lied, I drank, I swore, I didn't go to school, I lived as much of the rocker life as I could on a small budget and a 11 o'clock curfew. And then my friends started getting busted, things at home got rough, all my time was spent thinking of the next high, the next party, the next drink. I became numb, empty and emotionless, lost, incomplete, like a part of me had left or I had left it behind. And it took me a while to realize what was happening to me. I still don't think that I've fully recovered from it but I did see what I had been missing before.

It's just under the surface, at least that's how I think of it. Underneath the rock star life, underneath the screw-you-attitude, behind the mask and the facade of toughness, there was just someone trying to find something real, something true and beautiful. I think that's why their music is so appealing, because tragedy is so attractive to the human mind. To feel through the numbness... its a high. Life is an essence, one that each of us is just trying to understand, to explain. But there are lifelines... maybe not to the big picture but to an understanding that you'll never fully understand. What I was missing, what I had overlooked in all of this, is that I am alive and being alive is beautiful. I don't have to search for answers or for some sort of revelation, because I am ALIVE. A simple truth... but one that is so hard to comprehend. Even knowing what I know now I still find myself searching for something... And the only salve I've found that eases my mind is a good song, a hard-hitting riff, and the thought that even in the darkest places of my life I can always remember the words...

"And as we wind on down the road,
Our shadows taller than our soul,
There walks a lady we all know.
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard the tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all, to be a rock and not to roll.

And she's buying a stairway to heaven."

Realizations

I think that I had an epiphany.... or maybe its just the really loud music that's blasting away at my mind but I realized something this evening. I can do whatever I want... and I know that sounds dumb to you, that I would just now realize something like that, cause it's drilled into us from a very early age from very loving, concerned parents but this is different... yeah I've heard it before but I never really was able to see it.... to realize that I have dreams and hopes and desires that eat at me all the time, and now they don't have to be just another passing thought. They can be reality and not imagination. They can be what I'm living instead of what I want to live. It's like looking at life through a straw and finally taking a look outside of what I've been seeing. Its freeing and liberating, like with just the thought I could be anywhere.... doing anything.... playing my music or living in London, or just watching the stars and feeling the raindrops fall down on me while I belt out a love song to the world.

I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. My heart is beating faster.... like its gonna pound its way out at any moment. My blood is racing and my mind is clear. I still don't know who I am but why sit around and wait for someone to tell me! Why not go and find out! Why not take some risks! Why not make something of life? I'm done with waiting.... I'm gonna go on an adventure.... one of my choosing and when I get to the end of it.... there's always another waiting for me.... waiting for me to jump in heart first.

It might take awhile but I'm doing it and that's something you can take to the bank. haha

Introductions

So... this is my first entry into the blogging world. I kinda feel like it's the first day of high school all over again. A friend told me that i should tell everyone a little about myself... sorta my blogging handshake. But a slight problem with that.... i couldn't tell you anymore about myself than you can. It's not that i don' t know my likes or dislikes, for example i hate everyone food that is accepted by the majority of the general population, e.g. oreos, ranch dressing, cream cheese, peanut butter, pancakes... weird i know. But who i am.... what defines me.... i looked it up in the dictionary, its not in there. So i guess the only thing that i really can tell you is "Hi, my name's Kendall." now you know just about as much as i do.

So hi... and if your reading this right now, I apologize. I hate introductions, I've never been good at them. And who knows, maybe if you keep reading and i keep writing, we might find out who is at the keyboard after all.

Penrod.